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The first time I posted on this board I was 16 years old. For the purposes of this post I am not using my usual nick. I rarely ever post here but I do read posts quite often. I am in desperate need of support at this point in time and some information from invidiuals who have gone through similiar experiences. Now, recently the house where I live was raided by police, turns out the purpose of the raid was on an unrelated matter but they told me they were going to seize all computer equipment in the house. I have never experienced such horror in all my life, I just remember staring into the mirror and having absoloutely no colour in my face whatsoever. I am still experiencing post traumatic stress from this. Now, I knew that I had visited a few naturist websites (azovfilms.com) and some sites listed on boylinks.net, I also spend an obscene amount of time on 4chan and I have seen some content on there that I knew to be clealy illegal. I also now remember along time ago downloading some videos off limewire when I was in my teens but I didn't think of that at the time. I believe the police were just going to search the premises, sieze any computer equipment and then leave. However, knowing that it is very likely they will find content on the equipment, I asked to speak to the officer in charge and was subsequently arrested. I was taken to the police station, spent 4+ hours in a jail cell and then wass interviewed. I don't really want to say much more at the moment because the investigation is currently on going but I have been released on uncontidional bail. I can say however that both the police officers and solicitor that was present said I won't go to prison as a result of this due to my young age, mental health and the fact I never saved any of the content I looked at (i.e I don't have a huge folder of illegal content stored on my comptuer). I also made it abundently clear that I have never attempted to make contact with a minor over the Internet or attempted to "groom" a child in real life, which is the god's honest truth and my computer will support this. I have never had an interest in doing that. I really have no idea what they will find, I have literally spent hours a day on 4chan, like a form of self harm browsing /b/ and there has been some seriously awful stuff posted on there. My initial plan upon leaving custody was to visit the local store and buy as many pain killers as possible, a large bottle of whisky and overdose. Luckily my partner was there to collect me and prevented me from doing this. I did however proceed to drink solid for 3 long days, where I consumed 4 large bottles of whisky, have had no sleep and have had no food. I am literally at the lowest point in my life, I have been visited by a doctor who has proscribed me valium which has helped me to at least sleep for short periods of time. I have not been able to manage to eat for days and even though it has been slightly over a week, I am beginning to lose weight and look thin. At this point in time I am extremely anxious, to the point where my heart is constantly pounding. Since I have sobered up and detoxed my mind has managed to clear up and I am starting to come to terms with what has happened. I am keep switching between the idea of resigning myself to suicide or either seeing this as an oppurtunity to live my life as the person I am. For too many years now I have been seriously depressed about my sexual identity and this has led to an alcohol problem/self harming and a general disgust and hatred of myself and life. I will be visiting my solicitor on friday as well as my GP. My questions are:
Any information you can provide me with would be very much appreciated. Thank you, I am extremely desperate at this point in time and I feel the only thing that comforts me is the idea of suicide. |