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I feel like I've been going back and forth

Posted by Grenfield on 2017-March-19 22:31:59, Sunday

There are times when I take so much pride in who I am. My love of boys has helped me build a successful career, it has encouraged me to be closer to my family, and it has given me a reason to keep doing what I'm doing. What's hurting me is the guilt. Arggh, the goddamn guilt. There are times when I feel like it's slowly killing me.

There are days when I make myself sick. There are times when I can't even face the things that I'm feeling. These odd fantasies that continue to pervade my mind. I find myself feeling lost in these memories of childhood that I have such a strong desire to have. I dwell on these things that keep cropping up in my brain. Again and again, I cry myself to sleep.

I work with this ungodly beautiful boy who is so cute and so talented and wise and gentle natured and so mature beyond his years, but he's so tortured with these traumatic memories of abuse and neglect. This boy simply does not realize just how beautiful he is. Today, we had a very intimate conversation and he eventually began to cry. He cried so hard, and I couldn't believe it. He just couldnt speak anymore. He'd reached a point, in our talk where he couldn't help but show that part of himself, and it meant so much to me that he trusted me in that way. He's so young and so disturbed. Nobody that young and small and helpless should ever feel like they can't trust an adult, and he finally trusted me. He showed me this intensely vulnerable side of himself that he'd never shown before. He crept into my arms and cried, and I rocked him back and forth and I wanted so badly to tell him that he was loved and that I love him, and I couldn't hold it in any more and I did. And that made him happy, and his happiness made me feel so incredible and so powerful. It felt like the kind of moment that I often fantasize about. It was like he was the boy ive been waiting for all my life. And when I saw how happy I made him, when I felt his tears reach that point in which they were beginning to feel good, I started crying. Then he asked me why I was crying, and I told him that he made me feel good.

It was more complicated than that, though, and we talked some more and continued to connect further and share things that we felt, but I couldn't just say what I was desiring, so strongly, in my mind. I've been thinking about all the things I want to do, and I hate myself so much for it. His face, full of emotion and tears and love, continues to appear in my mind and I can't shake him or my fantasies, and that guilt keeps pervading. I want to kill myself because of what I can't have. Right now, I want him to live with me so that I can see him every day and take care of him, and then, when weare both adults, we can catch up and be close and be there for eah other. I'd congratulate him at his wedding and be there for him when he needs to talk. Then, decades and decades from now, i would be an old man and i would tell him the truth about how i feel about him, and would finally be at peace. I only see him once a week, though, but I'm thankful that he's in my life, period, and I'm content with it because I know he is. I love him, but I wish I didn't love him in this way.

I don't understand how I got this way. How I strayed so far from how innocent and wholesome I was as a child and how I had this incredible strength when I got started with this job, this task, that I took so much pride and happiness in before I discovered the truth about myself and had to face that I am sexually attracted to young boys. Why did this happen to me? Why did I have to discover this? Why couldn't I have just gone on with life, feeling this intensely powerful feeling that I felt around little boys and just have gone on living, assuming that everyone felt the same? To look at a small boy and not have these complicated thoughts and feelings. To ponder these things that no normal, responsible, sane, clear-headed adult should ever ponder with a child. To think about what they do when they play with their friends, when they feel scared, what they do when they're alone in their bedrooms, safe and warm and feeling protected.

I need help. I can spend the rest of my life not acting on these intense desires, but I know that it will cause me stress and will exhaust me. I can accept that, because I don't want to ever risk hurting or negatively affecting a boy in any way. I need more friends who would understand me, but I don't know where to turn.

This would all be so much easier if it weren't for this horrible guilt. Oh god, why won't it go away. Why...

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