Post a response:
|
I think you should not try and find happiness in a hypothetical future ("when we are both adults....") Nobody lives in the future. It's fine to imagine and plan for the future, but you shouldn't try and get your happiness in the future. In the end, it will drain your energy into a bottomless pit. One only lives in the present. So that's where you have to look for happy feelings. And in fact, I think you already somehow know that from your experience with kids. The second thing you should get free from, is your past. It's still haunting you, and a lot of your guilt comes from it (the other part being the society). You are very afraid of what you are because of what you have lived. (My own story is very different, so I can clearly see the differences of perception induced by your personal history). So try and learn to "let it go", and look at yourself with new glasses, like kids do. Try and get your inner child to love you. Let him guide you through your experience of life, let him steer your boat through the natural flow of life. He knows what's right and wrong without the need for guilt. Of course, your adult self should always remain here to supervise, because unfortunately, what is inherently right can be terribly wrong in our society. The point is to get rid of unnecessary feelings. Don't fall for the illusion that guilt helps you avoid bad contacts with kids. It doesn't. What prevents you from doing bad things is that you are a good person. Just focusing on the good person you are, and the good things you want for the kids, is the best prevention for any stupid thing your desires could lead you to otherwise. Keep in mind all the positive feedback and feelings you get from the kids, that you don't want to lose. And remember, life is always a compromise. If unfulfilled desires would prevent one to be happy, nobody could ever be happy. The secret of happiness is getting the most out of what you can get, it's just as simple as that. Does it make sense to you? If not, forget it. Each person has his own path to follow. But I see no reason why yours shouldn't be a happy one. (At least as happy as is possible in this valley of tears we call Earth...) |