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It's a very hard thing for folks like us to accept about ourselves. I think the hardest thing comes from spending so long thinking of it as being wrong, and then realizing it, and somehow having go figure out a way to accept it despite having these negative opinions and feelings attached to it. It's difficult to think of ones self as being anything other than sick or evil. I don't even believe in evil, but these feelings and desires feel tainted. I too know what it's like to see a boy and to just gawk and experience that lightheadedness that comes from experiencing a powerful work of art, only it's a work of pure nature that seems to have formed physical form. The lives and minds of boys are incredibly deep. They feel things stronger than we as adults do, and you can see that in their behavior and in their interactions. They lack any form of subtltey. They just exist. I've actually come quite a way in accepting myself. Last night, though, I felt weakened. Much of it had go do with this boy's breakthrough. Helping him in the way that I did really gave me a serious feeling of satisfaction that I don't feel in my personal life (i.e.my love life) and it broke my heart. It felt better than any of the relationships I've had with my prior boyfriends, and feeling that satisfaction made me feel horrible and guilty. I was in a weak state last night when I made that post, and, while I still feel guilty and sick, I am not distraught over it like I was last night. |