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I was very sad last night when I posted that. I wasn't in a rational state of mind, and I ended up having to let lose what was weighing heavy on my heart. It is true that I am having difficulty in breaking myself from the past. My experiences in understanding myself have been rife with turbulence and my negative feelings about what I am have a lot to do with that. I also had a pretty wretched childhood and spent a lot of time knowing very little about myself and allowing others to dictate who I am. Part of the reason I am so good with children, particularly boys, is because they see a part of themselves in me. They sense that feeling of uncertainty that I tend to have trouble hiding and they feel comfortable approaching me because of it. When they realize things about me and teach me things, it makes them feel strong. I've accepted that this is an odd gift of sorts, and I struggle because I feel these intimate feelings for them that I know are not reciprocated. I wouldn't want it any other way, but once in a while I do feel rather stifled by it. Being around kids for a living has helped me a lot, and I've come a long way in embracing who I am. I used to feel like I did last night every day of my life. Now I only feel it occasionally. It helps to be reminded of these things, so I appreciate it. I have to keep my head up and do everything I can to improve myself. |