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A rant about stupid, jealous feelings...

Posted by Grenfield on 2017-April-25 11:53:14, Tuesday

My oldest nephew, who I sometimes take care of, turned eleven a couple days ago. He is one of the sweetest, coolest, most wonderful kids I know, and yes I know I am biased, but I truly think that he's something deeply special. The closest thing I'll ever find to an angel. A lot of you are uncles. You know what it's like. It's the greatest job in the world. You get to be as affectionate as you want to because you're related, but without the added responsibility of having to be their parent. It's the best.

Anyway, I've always been his favorite uncle. He and I have a special closeness and a deep understanding, and spending time with him always feels like a religious experience. The boy is very in tune with himself. He's also somewhat miraculous. He hasn't had an easy life at all, almost drowning a few years ago (I pulled him out) and having to contend with various injuries and surgeries over the years. He's recently been spending a lot of time with an older man, roughly my age, who he's completely head over heels for. My nephew won't say it, but he prefers to spend time with him than with me.

I don't blame him. In fact, I understand completely. This man loves to spoil him. I do too, admittedly, but I set up boundaries. I have to. Kids are not so good at figuring that kind of thing out, and, as he gets older, I have to discourage things like lap-sitting, kissing, and arm-leaping. It's hard to do, and damn does he fight, but I care about him and want to help steer him away from socially inappropriate behavior.

This older friend of his, on the other hand does not discourage these things at all. So now he doesn't behave that way with me, but he behaves that way with him. When I see it, it honestly does kind of break my heart. I do miss when he used to be that way with me. I miss it a lot. I still remember those intimate moments he and I would briefly share where we both just felt so content as human beings and the love felt mutual. Now that he's older and getting closer and closer to teenagehood, it's a painful, yet necessary, lesson to teach.

So here I now am, watching him put his physical affection and love into another person, and I do sort of feel like I made a mistake in discouraging it with me. My intention wasn't to break his spirit, in fact it was the last thing I wanted to do, but there was one time when he climbed ontop of me while I was reading, and he gripped my shoulders, wrapped his legs around my torso, and placed his face as close to mine as possible in an attempt to grasp my attention, and I told him no and to get off me. As soon as I did this, he apologized over and over. Then he started to well up, and I felt really awful in that moment because I'm never annoyed at his overzealousness to be cuddly as he wants to be, yet I feel like I have to because my love for him is so deep that I don't even want to risk the idea of him being put in more and more ambiguous social situations in the future, with anyone. So I had a talk with him and told him that it was okay to do once in a while, but not all the time. He undéstood.

But, on his birthday, I gave him a super stylish haircut that I thought made him look really super attractive, and then his friend comes over and is absolutely crazy about how good it looks, and then my nephew jumps into his arms and roll around for a minute, and then he takes him out to eat. I stayed behind and watched them leave. I am happy that he has such a great friend who is willing to take him out to eat like that, but I also really miss him being that way with me and I wish it could still be that way, but I know that it can't, and I just feel like sort of a schmuck for blocking his attempts so much.

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