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I wish I could say I've never felt bad about being a BL,ver but that would be a lie. I realized , like a lot of people that I was attracted to boys at a young age (7 or 8 if memory serves) and realized by my early to Mid teens that this wasn't simple "gayness" but pedophilia. That made me feel bad because I was frightened. Frightened about what my future held, Frightened that I'd never have kids, Frightened that I'd never find a loving life partner, Frightened I'd never know true love Frightened I'd never have any friends, Frightened my I'd let my parents down who would be so disappointed in me. Frightened of what society might do to me because I was being told and saw on the news and from other media that I was sick and didn't deserve to be alive. Frightened I would be so hated and rejected I would end up living under a bench penniless. Frightened society would lock me away and attack and ridicule me openly. Some of those fears I've managed to avoid becoming a reality, many of those fears have become my reality It has brought more pain than you could imagine in your wildest imagination, a pain that creeps into your soul like the freezing dampness of a mid winters night, robbing you of any feeling of love and warmth you may have fleetingly witness. Fear is my constant companion and has been since aged 7, self esteem only something "others" have. Would I willingly be born again into the same mold ? for the thrill of seeing and "knowing" a beautiful boy........ NOT A FUCKING CHANCE !!!!! |