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but not now, thanks! Maybe 100 years ago or hence... “I realized, like a lot of people that I was attracted to boys at a young age (7 or 8 if memory serves) and realized by my early to Mid teens that this wasn't simple "gayness" but pedophilia.” This issue has been coming up on the board quite frequently. Referring to my own experience, at around seven or possibly six years of age, I found myself on one memorable occasion in a little hideout with same-age friends doing a lot of things including sucking cock and playing anally – no fear, no guilt at the time or after. But this was a spontaneous thing, quite unaccompanied by a desire to repeat or form “sexual relationship”, whatever that might mean in grade one. I discovered wanking all by myself (would prefer to have had a teacher) and then occasionally indulged with one same-age (around 13) friend. It was just casual sex, and I remember how rapidly the interest level fell to zero following orgasm – even leaving my mate to himself after he brought me to orgasm. I had no thoughts about “gay”, and the pedophile bit just wasn’t possible – maybe that’s the burden of younger, informed generations. “Gay” emerged when at sixteen I found myself being drawn into the girlfriend thing and realized that I was not attracted to girls in an way, and certainly not sexually. I began to delve into library books about homosexuality, and all of this was pretty negative and certainly not gay for that word still retained its older meanings (unlike now). This was accompanied by a radical experience just before age eighteen. I was about to dissociate from a church youth group when two boys joined. I recall that I found both boys to be utterly attractive. Before this I had met lots of boys, but none were even remotely as beautiful as these two. I formed a brief relationship with the older (14-15) and fell hopelessly in love with him. This marked the realization that I was different – homo – but the age difference did not perturb me. I guess that had he been six years old it might have been different, and here is a fundamental difference between the true pedophile and the ephebophile, who must be close to adulthood when he discovers his difference. It was only a few years later, following some same-age same-sex experiences and a lot of wanking that again I was drawn to a 15 year-old. Bluntly, the interest for me starts with “bigger dick” and a little hair growth. For many on this board this signals a search for a new YF. For me, fear centered on discovery of things that were clearly meant to be private, later compounded by the fact that I was not heterosexual. Lawfulness or otherwise onle reared its head much later. In adolescence I was clearly somewhat of a retarded dolt, quite slow to see what was going on in the world. We are all different and the spread is very broad, but I have difficulty in accepting that at age seven anyone can be aware of specific sexual interest and then apply that to categories such as “pedophile”. The danger is that in introspection our memories are altered to suit popular prejudice, either in “admission” or in denial. |