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Hi guys, I am a Boylover. I have an innate, strong sexual and emotional desire to form a relationship with a boy, to please the boy and be the center of his universe. I’m white, good looking (not Matt Damon or Brad Pitt kind of good looking!), and well-traveled. Let me say one thing right now. I’m not going to write a story about how society has fucked up my life. Because it hasn’t. I’ve faced the same challenges and problems that most people from any walk of life might face. The challenges had little or nothing to do with my nationality, or gender or skin color or sexual orientation. They were all about attitude and my beliefs. I know I could call my problems a crutch and make some really well reasoned excuses for my own failures. Arguably, no group of people is more generally despised and persecuted by modern society than known pedophiles. But to make MY story about THAT would be a load of bullshit. My mistakes happened because I was too lazy, too comfortable, and too prideful, to dodge them. They happened because of who I am, and I own that. Not society! So this story isn’t about my mistakes. I’m not a victim. I’m doing fine, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I’m in good health. I’m in a loving long term relationship with a boy that could be the next super model teen celebrity if we wanted that. I have loyal friends who always stick by me. Friends that will put their life on hold if it can save me from heartbreak. My parents love me. My siblings tolerate me – haha! A lot of people know I’m probably a boylover, or a pedophile who likes boys, equally importantly, they know my character and they trust my discretion. I know that I don’t need to make it official, rub it in their faces, or cry on their shoulder. I know that would be really unfair. My favorite book is probably The Persian Boy, because I idolize Alexander the Great, and I can relate to his experience loving a boy. I have a couple other books and movies I enjoy. I’m a big fan of fiction and science fiction: Lord of the Rings, or Enders Game. Really awesome books. I have a pretty average background. My parents were not well off when I was born. They worked hard and now they are pretty much middle class. They gave me good schooling, vacations, decent healthcare, a little worldly travel, and through it all, they loved me deeply. They definitely sacrificed for me. It wasn’t all roses through, we had a lot of typical problems. Both my parents are religious in their way. I’m not anymore. Both parents have had to push me away and let me down sometimes, because they remarried, and I don’t really fit into that picture. But I get it. My hope is that this story will be about setting your expectations, being realistic, and breaking your comfort zone. Please remember my life is not one dimensional. Since my self-realization as a boylover probably interests people the most I’ll focus on that. Maybe it’s an important story for people to hear. When I was about six, I guess, I figured out that if I lay in bed on my stomach, and slid my pajama pants quietly to my knees, and then I sort of wiggled around, something could happen that made me feel really happy for an instant, and really relaxed afterwards. I’m guessing (ok, I know!) a lot of boys figure that out before they reach puberty, and most of them don’t suddenly become boylovers. I was a pretty curious kid and I wasn’t circumcised, so I retained the natural sensitivity of my dick under the skin. I had plenty of space at home and in the neighborhood, running around, swimming, playing in the mud and building little forts or climbing trees. It was a healthy childhood in most ways. As I was naturally curious, and I wanted to show off, I told other boys I knew. So we played around and tried different things. Sucking each other’s hard little dicks while rubbing our little tongues on the inside of the head could be really intense. At no time did adults or more precocious peers feature in my experiences. I learned that this was not something acceptable by adults when I told my mother about what we did once – because she asked after walking in. My father asked me one question on the way home, after she told him. He asked me if I know what it meant to be gay. I was about 10 years old I guess. I wasn’t gay, but I thought I knew what it meant, and I wondered for the first time if I was gay because I loved my friends. I immediately answered, “yes I do!” because I thought I was very clever and knowledgeable (I still do). I suddenly thought I might be gay, and realized that was obviously a bad thing, but I didn’t say anything else and regretted answering without thinking. My Dad didn’t talk to me again all the way home, for an hour long drive. Later I would understand that it was only gay if you liked to feel each other’s dicks and stuff, and men’s! But most of the boys, my friends, that I loved hadn’t even touched each other’s dicks, and men’s private parts were totally gross to me (as were women’s). Anyway, some of the friends I had loved were girls. So by my early teens, I wasn’t really sure if I was gay, because I never for a moment felt an attraction to men. I knew that I found gay behavior – effeminate drama crap – irritating. I still do, haha. I also knew I was in love with a few boys, and attracted to many, but they weren’t all my age, and none of them were older. I wasn’t stupid! By the way, they liked me too, some were obviously a little attracted by my attraction, but by that time I was too self-conscious to be more than friends. A few years later, I stumbled on the idea of boylovers on the internet. That experience reminds me of an article I read. It was about a North Korean man who escaped to South Korea. He was already close to thirty. In North Korea he had married, and had children. The reason he left North Korea was because he couldn’t stand his wife, in fact he had no attraction to her at all. When he first heard about gay people in South Korea he had one of those revelations that you see actors go through on really twisted movie plots. He’s says he’s happy now. So my experience was a little like that. It was just instant and obvious that Boylover best described me. I wasn’t a pedophile, because I wasn’t interested in hurting people or manipulating them, I wanted to be loved and I wanted to know that love was free and without any coercion more than anything – because only those conditions would make it meaningful. Anyway, that’s what I’ve had now, for many years. My boy is growing up of course. It’s nearly time for me to open my heart again. My boy is going to open his heart a bit more too. He’ll fall for some silly young girl, both head over heels in love. He will have the advantage of being able to lean on a mature adult for counsel and support, whom he trusts and loves as much as he ever will his future wife. It’s not the norm, but don’t pity the loved boy, never pity him! Haha. Somehow though, my body has no attraction to him anymore. He’s the epitome of a handsome teen. Perfect skin, hair, perfect muscle tone. Easy laughter and a clever wit. Above average coordination and above average study performance. He probably spends too much time looking in the mirror – but maybe I’m just jealous. I only love him now, a deep and unyielding platonic love. I’ve observed this change in the nature of our bond over more than a year, it’s not some passing fancy. I didn’t expect it to be so clear cut and easy. I guess my orientation may well have evolved with some underlying logic after all. Of course I’ve read about the boys in Ancient Greece, how they grew up with affection from men, sexual and emotional. The cultural, artistic, scientific, mathematic and engineering accomplishments of that civilization attest to its greatness. So if anything, having a socially acceptable role for these relationships doesn’t lead to harm, and may be underlie a more humane, healthy, creative, introspective and rational masculinity which was murdered by the Roman war machismo (you may need to read up on ancient history!), and later religious puritanism. The same forces, by and large, may have played out in the Middle East and the Asia Pacific. Sorry, I’m not here to give you a history lesson. Back to my story: I am coming up for air now in my life. I’m going to start the next chapter in my life. I’ve had everything now, the good life financially, true love, academic success, loving friends, good standing in the community, professional success. So what’s next for me? Simple. I want it all – at the same time!!! That's what I'll be working on the next few years. I'll update you in time. *** Next in this post, I’m going to get on a soapbox, and I’m sorry if that offends/patronizes you or it doesn’t apply to you. You can ignore the rest of this post, and just give me some feedback on my own personal story if you like. I’d like some feedback on my personal story please! Soapbox speech to other Boylovers,(the REAL boylovers, who haven’t given up and turned to drugs, or alcohol, or abusive behavior, or those who can truly put that stuff behind them now and FOREVER, and be good people as well and real Boylovers who set an example to boys, from this day forward): I want you to join me too – to find your best self. For that reason I want to give you some advice. You’ve heard it before of course. It’s very simple: break out of you comfort zone. Be willing to lose it all. The only reason you haven’t had one of those things – those goals or achievements or whatever that I mentioned above, professional or personal – is because you didn’t risk everything, you didn’t take a calculated risk based on a rational (but brave) understanding of what is possible, and doggedly pursue your dreams. You probably can’t find all your happiness in isolation. But you still have to start and keep going at the toughest times, all alone. You will grow in a community. You need to find people who understand you. But not because they are Boylovers, because they are good people. People you look up to. Kind and intelligent. The boylover part is optional. I encourage you guys to start by making Boychat a happier, healthier community. Treat each other well. Don’t bring each other down. Don’t play the victim card all the time. Don’t be so hateful. Don’t be reactive, be responsive. Question you motivations and only act if they are good. It really just reflects on you as individuals. Share boymoments. Share your story – just avoid the identifying stuff. And make new stories. Everyday. There is so much you can do as a boylover in ANY society without POSSIBLY getting in trouble, and there is a whole world out there where anything goes. But don’t limit yourself to the online world. The best way to meet other great people is to go out into the wide world and find those small pockets of good people. They exist. You have to socialize. You have to adventure and be vulnerable. Travel widely and you will find them, leave behind the people that hold you back, stop using them as an excuse, you can find love too. After you have learned that you can love, be loved, and be good all through it, you will be able to go back home or put down your roots anywhere else and truly grow. If you can give up your comforts, you can do it, if you can’t, you have no excuse for being unhappy, and you are still not a victim of anyone but yourself! PS: My boy gave his permission to publish this. I will end with one of my favorite poems. The man who wrote it was in a real prison, but he knew he was in charge of his life, which is why even his prison guards came to love him: Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. |