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THE PERSIAN BOY is one of my favorite books as well. I've loved that book since I was thirteen. You've got wonderful taste. I must admit, whenever I read things that are this heartfelt, I am always surprised and startled. I think it's because I still have my own prejudices that I've been working hard to get over. It always feels like such a revelation to me when another boylover opens their heart up and really talk about themselves on a deep human level. That's something that I continuously see again and again on here. Does it make me uncomfortable? I suppose it does. It's a good kind of discomfort, though. It's like a feeling I need to feel because that's the only way I can confront a lot of these negative feelings I have for people who love children in sexual ways. Being a boylover has been a challenge, but I've definitely felt better and better about it than I did when I first realized why I was so drawn to young boys and so infatuated with their beauty to the point where I couldn't get them out of my head and stayed awake at late hours of the night, fantasizing about babysitting these children and having intimate encounters of various sorts. As I'm sure you know, there are many here who can relate to your story on a profound level. That's what I've discovered since I've started posting here. I grew up in a very different kind of environment to you. My upbringing was a lot more turbulent and communal. Because my parents were crazy hippies, living off-the-grid, I had to be the parental figure to my little sister. I still sometimes do, actually. Survivalism was something I learned a lot about, and I've had to work very hard to get to the point I'm at right now. I had to do a lot of schooling while working through a lot of family drama and an abusive relationship. I've had some bad luck. I had to have a couple of surgeries a few years ago, having to do with injuries, which, for someone who hasn't reached thirty yet, is worrying, but my scars have faded. I have a birth defect, related to my stomach, which causes me a lot of pain, but I've never ended up becoming a drug addict and have managed to avoid being medicated for the most part, except when it was absolutely necessary. I also have Asperger's syndrome, which has granted me some social difficulties and a lot of anxiety. At the moment, I'm living in a very small town. Financially, I'm very stable. Career wise, I'm in an ideal place. I work in education, being very political on the side, and I'm a writer now, which is great. Never thought I'd have to multitask this much. I am also an outspoken homosexual. This realization took me a long time to come to terms with as well. The experience of "coming out" in middle school didn't end up being the greatest experience, I picked the wrong time to do it, for it wasn't as PC to be gay at that time (mid-2000s) as if is now, and I lost a lot of very important friends as well as bei disowned by my mom, but I fought through it. Although this makes many of the more conservative members of the town quite nervous, I acknowledge that I'm a good spokesman despite my English and my dialect being sort of shaky. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized I'm a boylover. This sent me into a suicidal state where I spent about a year, locked in isolation, in my room, only coming out to go to work and to eat. I admit that I do still feel suicidal from time to time. These feelings mostly have had to do with guilt and self-hatred. To me, this is like an additional closet that I, honestly, shouldn't come out of. However, what I've learned through this experience is that my personal sexual feelings for young boys have been a big part of why I've been so selfless in helping them over the past ten years. I've done a lot of mentoring through various programs, I've never given up on even the most troubled child, and, believe me, I've met some seriously damaged children in the past. I've worked with children who viewed life and consequences from such an insane distance that there was almost no way to reach them. I exert a tremendous amount of patience, time and time again, and my success rate is optimal for the status quo. It's extremely stressful, at times disturbing, work, but I truly love what I do. It's because of my sexual orientation, for lack of a better work, that I've been so selfless about it, going above and beyond the call of duty. This realization did come with its own set of struggles, though. The expected feelings of guilt and selfishness creeped in, which I suppose is expected. I got involved in this line of work, though, because, honestly, I did and do feel passionate about the future and where we're heading as a society. That's where I started. At the very least, my realization has only now made me realize why I've continued to be so motivated. It's because of my sexuality. Many would probably see this as a bad thing, and at one point I did. However, I've never done anything that would compromise the work I've done, despite having literally endless opportunities to do so. I see my unwillingness to take any kind of personal liberties as something of a code. I care too much about the work I am doing and what I could do to jeopardize anything. I am just thankful to be able to work with so many wonderful children and have so many great success stories. I am thankful to have work that I can be proud of and that I can confidently declare how good I am at something I care so much about. That doesn't mean that it's been easy, however. I haven't told anyone, obviously, that I'm attracted to boys, and, though my little sister has suspected it and expressed interest in hearing me talk about it, I refuse to say anything continue to deny it again and again. This has been perhaps the hardest thing to do, to look her in the eye and lie. I'm not good at lying, and it takes a lot for me to do it convincingly. So far, I have, but I know she isn't fooled. To deny it, again and again, has, by far, been the most difficult thing about being a boy lover. The other struggle has been to learn to accept the word, "pedophile". I've had a hard time accepting the word as being anything other than negative, and this has to do with how much baggage is attached to the word itself, obviously. Anyway, so that's my way, I suppose, of responding. It's complicated, fucked up, insane, and beautiful in the way life is, in general. I guess I can say that I've been doing my part, as a boylover, to be a positive, beautiful person and to leave my mark on the world. On my death bed, I'd like to reveal to the world that I'm a boylover and release some kind of statement in which I describe my experience, but I probably I probably won't, for fear of damaging the lives of my children that I'd like to raise one day, or I'll end up hurting someone somewhere. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to live my life and be a good person and do everything I can to change the world, but I don't want to hurt anyone or even risk hurting anyone in the process. I guess that's what happens when you have crazy hippie parents. Haha. |