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I met this kid, he is perfect in any way I could possibly think of. He is better looking than many kid models. He is beautiful, cute, handsome, sexy, pretty, polite, intelligent, sensitive. I am blessed to be able to share moments with him and I love every second we are together. The day before I am to meet him, I can't sleep, I barely get 3 or 4 hours of sleep and then when I wake up I fix myself really well, like I trim my cuticles, and floss, and I iron my best shirts, stock up my pockets with his favorite candy and start daydreaming, counting the hours until we meet. I am absolutely madly in love with him and he is only my 3rd YF that I fall in love with so deeply. I have had tens of YFs, but I wasn't in love with all. The others were many years ago but I recognize the feeling. This time though, I have absolutely no desire to pursue physical things. I love his hugs and him holding my hand and I hope one day he'll fall asleep in my embrace but that is pretty much the extent of it. I can't stop thinking about him. Like he is the only thing I think about. At work, at home, awake, asleep. 1.Am I losing my libido? Or is there an age where your BL love for a child changes from a partner-like to father-like? From wanting to marry to wanting to adopt? 2.How long does it last, the love thing? I remember in past loves it hurt just as much, I didn't think I'd ever feel it again. Like when the radio songs have completely different meaning, and the cheesy lyrics make absolute sense? It's been more than a month of the love feeling and it is not going away. It is actually becoming stronger. Like it is the best and worst feeling in the world. When I have had a good day with him, I have to put the music loud afterwards and I scream with it just because my mind is racing and I am so happy, I got all the chemicals in my brain dancing and I have done drugs before and have been clean since forever and that feeling is better than any drug. But when it is just a normal day, and we say goodbye, and when I leave it feels I'd never see him again, that it was a good thing but it is over and it is a dark feeling and I miss him just a few seconds after we've said goodbye. So, in no way I mind the relationship but the intensity of it is a bit too much. How do I cool my head? 3.He is so incredibly annoying sometimes. Like there are times he ignores me, when I pick him up from school he totally pretends I am not there and he just takes me for granted. I have never had a YF with such a big age difference, so is this normal? For the ones who have had a kid much younger? Like, is it normal one day he just answers with a single syllable, and another he is totally melted and holds my hand and cuddles into me? 4. I bend over backwards for him. Like I go out of my way to please him and I am not sure if it is bad or good, like I make lists of songs he likes so he has a playlist in the car, and I buy him comics he enjoys and the flavors of ice-cream he likes and try to be there as much as possible, I drop other appointments and other social friendships so I have no idea if it is my love obsession or it is good for the kid, like to be always available, doesn't that make him appreciate me less, doesn't that make him take me for granted which is exactly what feels hurtful? On one hand, if he was an adult like me, I'd make him wait a bit, not too much but I'd make him develop a desire for me, I'd make him chase me, need me, want me. But on the other hand, he is just a tiny little boy with such an immense need for a father figure in his life that my heart is breaking just thinking I could deny him a day of being around just to make him need me more. I don't know, and I can't do it. And to myself, I can't deny the opportunity to see him, even for a few minutes, like I'd go nuts if there was the chance to take him ice-skating or something and I pretend I can't in order to let him know I am not always available. 5. I am jealous. I need some help to deal with that. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to feel hurt when he hugs his coach or when he talks how cool another friend is. I want to enjoy the time with him while it lasts and I want to be the best role model, father figure that I can possibly can but I don't want the pain of jealousy. How do you rise above that? How do you love unconditionally without being hurt or does it have to hurt? Drop a line of practical advice if you have any, please. |