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I'm so fucked up. The last boy I cared about was violently ripped away from me by his own abusive parents. I don't know who was more traumatized, the boy or me. I guess me. There was nothing I could do to help him. The harder I fought, the worse his home life became. I know what happened too. He grew to favor me over his shitty family and was too young to hide it. When his family got uncomfortable with how close he was to me, they cut him off. When he resisted, they hurt him, over and over, for weeks. His abusers tortured him for clinging to the only person in his life who treated him right. Eventually, he submitted. Those evil, ignorant fucks turned the greatest experience of my life into the darkest. Was anyone going to take my side? Hell no. I loved that kid and it showed. What the fuck is the point of loving someone in need, only to hide it from them? They deserve to know they are loved. They NEED to know they are loved. That support was extremely important to him. But none of that matters because I'm the creepy neighbor who loves kids "too much." What message does that send to a boy? It's bad for people to love him? His abusers are the good guys? I guess so. His parents showed me that they were prepared to pretend to be the victims and make whatever extreme accusations of me it took to save their asses, no matter how much damage they did to their own son in the process. I've never witnessed that kind of evil in my life. The kid was already thinking about suicide in 5th grade. Honestly if I was in his shoes, I probably would kill myself instead of living in that filth. I'm long gone now, but I hope he is able to escape that family and find peace some day. And now I live a miserable, lonely life. As fucked up as it is, my love is dangerous. I somehow live in a system where the people I care about the most get punished for being loved by me. The people who need me the most are forbidden from interacting with me. It's an impossible game. The only way to be involved with them is to behave as if I don't really care about them, which benefits no one. I don't know what to do with myself. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I walk around in a dreadful haze, without a single kid left in my life. My entire life orientation is towards kids. I resonate with them. They light up, I light up. I make their day, which makes my day. Life is meaningless without them. My function is to provide them with love and support, guide them, protect them, entertain them. I nurture them and help them grow into open-minded, inquisitive, creative, proud, confident, loving people. I am their safe space, physically and emotionally. My life is going to waste. I'm hollow, slowly dying without a purpose. All I want to do is dedicate my life to raising kids. How does that make me the bad guy? How can people compare me to those who treat kids like property, dehumanize them, take advantage of them, and completely disregard their happiness and well-being? What is it about sexuality that people imagine transforms the most loving, intimate interactions into heinous abuse? It's pretty obvious when a child is being harmed. It's obvious when a child is being exploited. It's as if people shut down at the thought of child sexuality, cease functioning as a rational person, and can't tell the difference between love and rape. I guess they assume the same thing happens in the minds of pedophiles, so any adult who is "too interested" in kids is considered a threat. That's just not consistent with reality. That isn't how the world works. That isn't how people work. That isn't how love works. You can support (or tolerate) positive, loving adult-child sexuality and still draw a line and take a stance against abuse. I'm off track. I came here for support, not to rant. I don't know what I can find here but I don't know where else to go. It's something at least, so I'm glad BC is still around. I guess I should end this here. Thanks for reading. |