I don't think it's contagious...

Maybe I've been blacklisted by you guys as being a threat to your mental stability. I mean how do you approach a man who's, you know? No not mentally ill, but God with a capital G. And you'll dismiss this as more flailing by a nut. I wish it were so. Don't encourage coony, he's obviously touched by something that should not be encouraged, don't feed the trolls. put your blinkers on. Nobody says hullo, but I obviously aren't aware of the fact that I'm a self-centred basket-case that no one on this planet or even the universe wants to touch with a bargepole. Beracine thinks it's because you all secretly fear my power, even gods get lonely, and it's true the Gods must be crazy. I've dealt with lot's of Gods, and lots of saviours but they all are all insane. It's not me that's insane, and it's nobody's fault. Sometimes you don't exist, other times you do, do you know what it's like to believe that others are just puppets, yes to watch your family turn into something that never existed, and it's only me in the goddamned history of existence. Why do I, God, post here? Because it has the unique advantage where I can post what's on my mind, even if it's not about boys. Lock him up he's gone too far, I don't know what to do, pity him? Please fucking don't. Fear him? I'm just a smiling baby at heart, I wouldn't hurt a flea if I could help it. I'm Jesus stage 2, I made myself, god alone knows why, the only son of god is me, Chuck I'm not too unbalanced I'm quite calm and comfortable, rational if there were such a thing, Do you want to know one of quite a few vivid dreams I've had, do you believe a dream could transport you to a room, dimly lit with the whole room on an angle and tell you you are the most hated person in the universe, how do I feeeel! But you don't know it's a dream, you think you are awake and maybe you are and by the way welcome to the Truth Jimmy. Yes, you Jimmy, check your tattoos. But I didn't do anything. I was happy when I was a boy, please leave me alone, sure I had some shit and suffered some, but I would live it again and believe I was the luckiest person in the world, memories of it mostly intoxicate me. I certainly wasn't insane then, I always had friends, sure I was the class clown, and you are telling me that none of it was real? That the people and my friends weren't real? They didn't have a thought in their head. What about Love? It's a dog from hell Jimmy. Why do you think we made you a paedophile? Because I'm a paedophile. Yes God is a paedophile. We made your worst fears come true and some you didn't know you had, god is as scared as shit too, of hell which is where you are going as soon as tomorrow. Yeah but tomorrow never comes! Tomorrow never comes! tomorrow never comes. Why does my experience of madness seem like a curated experience of heaven and hell? I was watching Alan Watts videos, I was fine, all about waking up, that most people are asleep, he was interesting, then I went crazy. God choreographed my entire existence. Is there a god? I'm in heaven, everything is designed to keep me safe, they've got fire alarms in this room, they have sprinklers, everything is designed with me in mind with electric light and heaters it's the same with nature and the universe it's all designed with people in mind, they have accidents, some people, I've never broken a bone, there was that melanoma scare, that word is so scary, there was 10 years of agoraphobia, I had to find my own way out of that, it ruined my life and then I went mad. You are the victim Jimmy, James, all god desires is absolute nothing. How can god hurt you when he feels what you feel, he doesn't like pain either, and he hates to his back teeth existence. And me. he's told me so and those horrible, horrible real dreams. About torturing me, the one where I was captured by an alien woman who travelled the universe looking for a paedophile so she could take me to another spaceship and it was designed with me in mind and she wanted to let me know they would torture me forever, we know where the most exquisite parts are, torture you all the time. But I never touched a kid and as far as I know I'm a good person. Boychat doesn't need this! But they are going to get it because I'm not going to be fucked by god and ignored by my friends! That made me cry. I could go on forever with this. What else do I do with my experience? Keep it hushed up? Kill myself? I'm afraid to die but I don't fear it now, I don't give a fuck anymore. Olanzapine hopefully has come to the rescue. For now. It's high theatre! All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players. And I'm sane, maybe not when you consider what I've just written, but its all catch 22. All the way down. I'll live whatever is left of my life, I'll laugh, hopefully cry, I'm happy, got a room all to myself, no one knows about this side of Jimmy. They just think I'm away with the fairies. And I won't complain. Maybe I should see a councillor, ring lifeline, yeah spill the beans like that would help, ignorant people, there is no help. And suicide is out of the question, I'm happy just the way I am. You hearing voices James? Asks some caring person. I've never heard a voice in my entire life. What does the world do with mental patients? kill them slowly. What else can they do? What else can I do? What else can you do? Sweet nothing. Just go with the flow wherever it's taking me. An insult to the board, says beracine, yeah probably. I don't know. I'm just showing off, if anyone has had deep depression, that's more common, it ain't fun is it, it's hell, if others actually exist. I'm the man who fell to earth. I gained everything and lost my soul. What do you expect when God, however utterly impossible he is, tells me that original sin is a thing. And I wonder what the forbidden fruit is? Knowledge, children, who knows. I hope I don't know anything. I wish I didn't know anything, that I didn't exist, I hope I don't know much. I love life, I love insanity, even if it tells me where I'm going. and puts me in a state where I cant move I can't I couldn't MOVE. Everything was broken as Dylan sung, Now I know what it means. He's my lover and he wants the night to come falling from the sky. "It doesn't matter who loves who either you love me or I love you when the night comes falling from the sky." I've seen beauty, I'm an optimist with a curious mind, who was forced to reckon with all the damn pessimists, but I'll never believe they know anything. And I don't believe god but I only have myself, Who else is there? This isn't the end of coonigan, yet, he's always stuck to his truth, life is good, he was lucky he fell on this rock, if anyone wants to burn this post, because no one understands it, ho hum. Do I expect pity? I hope not, that would be the worst thing you could offer. I think I hear a Shelley poem in the distance... One word is too often profaned For me to profane it, One feeling too falsely disdained For thee to disdain it; One hope is too like despair For prudence to smother, And pity from thee more dear Than that from another. I can give not what men call love, But wilt thou accept not The worship the heart lifts above And the Heavens reject not,— The desire of the moth for the star, Of the night for the morrow, The devotion to something afar From the sphere of our sorrow?