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I see the topic of how to train up boys coming up here on occasion. It’s something I have a lot of experience with and I recognize that’s something many other boylovers are interested in finding a way to do. I know that many who feel attracted to young boys tend to struggle with finding a way into such a role. It makes sense. Such roles don’t come around often. Still, unless you’re being monitored for previous social discrepancies or legal issues, such things are almost never impossible. Here are my suggestions: 1) Develop a passion for as wide a range of things as possible. I’m someone who is enthusiastic about the environment. I also love to hunt, fish, cook, build, weld, and sew. I like to create new things, I enjoy building my skills and displaying confidence in my ability to do things, and I love to express these parts of myself. However, there was a time when I actually didn’t enjoy expressing these things and was afraid to show others what I liked to do. It wasn’t until boys began to express interest in the things I love that I began to recognize how my enthusiasm could be so infectious. While maybe it isn’t the case in every community, I do find that boys have a tendency to gravitate toward the routines, interests, and hobbies of others if enough people are doing it. You bring 7 kids to a skate park and 4 of them start skating. There’s a good chance that at least one of the remaining 3 will join the others. Today, I often have lots of boys interacting with me, showing off the results of various projects I’ve encouraged, and even seeking collaborative projects. And keep in mind that I don’t generally seek out boys, just as a personal rule. It’s not that I don’t want to. But I prefer to abide by the role that I’m already fulfilling for them at the present, which is that of a dependable, skillful adult with an active interest in educating and encouraging others to strengthen their skills as well. 2) Actions speak MUCH louder than words. We’ve all met young ones in our lives that we yearn to spend more time in the company of. We’ve all met little lads whose circle of adults don’t ever seem to show as much care, attention, or affection as you would if you were only given the opportunity. We’ve all thought about the ways we’d give boys good lives, good times, and good experience. We’ve all thought about how great we’d be if we could only love them. What I say, to all this, is to just do it. I don’t mean break the law, obviously. I mean be better than the people in their lives if you actually can be. Or be the best you can be on your own. Either way, take action. Put yourself out there. Demonstrate your dependability. Prove your worth. Show the people around you the miracles you can work. And do it without fear. Kids can sense nervousness and hesitation. If you have to fake it til you make it, if you have to coast on good intentions, simple exchanges, gentle gestures, and/or distanced advising, that’s still better than nothing. At least they’ll recognize you as someone who actually wants to be involved. Even if you can’t do it, you’ll still be doing more than many people in their lives may likely be doing. They’ll remember how you made them feel even if they don’t remember who you are. 3) You must treat them as an equal. You must treat them as an equal. You must treat them as an equal. This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give. It’s also the easiest to misunderstand, and this is because many of us already think we’re doing this when we actually aren’t. And I mean this in a number of different ways. By treating them as an equal, that means you respond to them and engage with them specifically at their level. And this means that you will have to listen to their words, focus on their expressions, recognize their limitations, and (and this is key) provide them with the time and space they need to develop. Some kids are fast learners and some are not. It’s usually easy to tell. But, regardless, you have to exercise your own sense of adaptability and discipline if you have any hope that they’ll develop any adaptability or discipline too. You can’t turn them against the adults or their friends in their lives. That’s definitely not treating them like an equal. You can’t condescend to them. Nobody likes that nobody what age. You also can’t guilt them or make them worry about your feelings. That’s something I don’t tolerate from any of the adults in my life (in fact, it usually makes me dislike someone if I feel like I can’t interact with them honestly without needing to be concerned about whether or not they’re feeling distressed), so I definitely don’t do that with kids. Instead, take the time to learn who your boy is and develop your own social language with them on their own terms so they don’t feel like they always are having to play catch up with you. Also, just because children don’t always believe in dignity or aren’t good at being dignified doesn’t mean you encourage it or use it an an opportunity to catch or pounce on them in a state of undress or vulnerability. The biggest difference between children and adults is that children give you a million potentially teachable moments a day and adults do not, and the boys in your life will actually trust you a lot more because they’ll recognize you as someone who is protecting them. 4) Balance in all things. Love can truly mean a lot of deep things, but I think of it as an exchange between two mutually compatible people. When a boy makes me a piece of art he worked hard on, that’s a symbol of love. When a boy shares with me his favorite toys, games, or movies, that’s a symbol of love. When a boy asks me if I’m okay or if I’m feeling good when he can tell that something is wrong, that’s a symbol of love. When a boy allows you to spend extended periods of time in their company, that means he loves you. No matter what his attitude seems to suggest, boys are usually good at making in clear when one’s presence is not wanted or appreciated. Love is a push and pull of a seesaw. A call and response. Two hands linked as one, with the warmth of skin and the softness of a loose grip. Kids are beings of pure love. They have to be, that’s one of the reasons we, as adults, want to keep them safe. Adults know that other adults aren’t always dependable, but kids don’t know that. And, by default, it gives us an unfair advantage over them. I’m all for children having the right to be their own person and love who they want to love, and I actually do find many children to often be rather good social companions if you are open-minded enough about what it means to be social. But I also believe that love should never be limited to the realm of the purely physical. In the world we live in, playing with fire is only ever going to cause trouble in the long term. So expand your idea of love. Love can mean bringing someone soup when they’re sick, teaching someone new and exciting things. Love can sometimes merely mean making as big a difference as you can. Okay, that’s all I’ve got. Maybe not everyone will find this advice useful, but I hope someone does. Really, just be good to the boys in your life, respect who they are, and treat them right. That’s basically my advice to anyone wanting to mentor and be a guiding force. |