Addiction

There probably is many of us BLs struggling with addiction. Life is hard for us and the world we live in thinks we are the worst of the worst. My life has been a very rough road. I know some of yours has been as well. I knew I was gay ever since I was 3 or 4 and I used to play the fun show me games with the neighbor kids. My aoa never changed as I grew up. By age 9 I started to smoke weed and I drank beer that I stole from my father. By 12 I was using meth and had an older boyfriend. He was very abusive and his friend raped me repeatedly. I do not blame that on how I became a BL. However I did try to block out those memories with harder drugs. I even tried altering my way of thinking with LSD and other Lysergic acid containing substances. It did not work of course and I ended up with panic attacks. So then I turned to my families drug of choice Heroin. The pain of my past like losing my mother at age 9, being raped by someone I trusted and moving a lot seemed to feel less painful. By the time my father committed suicide my life hit rock bottom. Heroin and any other opiate/opioid would do. I was 16 at the time of my fathers death and a heroin addict struggling with identity being a pedophile and thinking how much the world hates me for something I really am not. I lived with a family friend who really cared and he was also gay but I did not tell him I was or the fact I liked boys. I just stayed in my room doing heroin, playing Xbox and talking to boys on Xbox live. I never asked them to do anything illegal but just talking to them made me feel better and I really enjoyed playing with them. It wasn’t until I met a neighbor boy who I started to babysit until I first got my shit in order. He was so sweet and I know how he felt having losing a parent and had a mother who was a falling down drunk. With him around I did not smoke or use any drugs. Around this time is when I found BoyChat, and I now knew who I was and that I was not alone. With this boy I babysat I straightened my life up as much as I could. I had school and the homestead and the most beautiful little boy I have ever met. He helped out with the chickens and the plants, he had so much fun with the baby chicks and was happy, something he wasn’t at home. I took him cray fishing and hiking by the river. When it was cold I would let him play Minecraft and appropriate games for a 7-9 year old. Yeah babysat him for 2 years from age 7 to 9 and he was my top priority. Even the money I got watching him I spent on pizza for him. I did not care I loved him he loved me. Well this was brought to a terrible end when me and my adopted father got into a fight. I ended up getting locked up and I got kicked out of the house. Of course I lost my little friend and that hurt enough for me to slip back into drugs. There was nothing to live for in my eyes and If I died I thought the pain would be over. I did have another YF but he had his issues and kinda just hurt us both with his issues. I definitely loved him but I still used drugs. He was older than the boy i babysat. And had those tween and teen issues with cutting and other issues. So I worried a lot about him and drugs were there to aide me as usual. I always kept the drugs away from the kids and would never give them any if they asked for it even weed. I kept it all to myself. By 2015 I still had my yf who just turned 15 and I got locked up. Again losing him and spending 8 1/2 years in federal prison. I am not saying what for that does not matter. I got sick with an illness and even struggled with addiction in prison using black market opioids. My illness almost took my life and I suffered for years in pain and needed many surgeries. So I was left scarred and addicted to pain pills they gave me. I was not until my last few months of incarceration that I was accepted into a program that maintains opiate addicts. I came home back in October and I am still on the program doing good. I help out in a shelter and I see many addicts coming through struggling with addiction and I even met other MAPs GLs BLs who went through what I went through. And I now try to help them through it and point them into the right directions to get help like I did. I go to weekly relapse prevention groups and share my story, not the BL part but the rest. Still a powerful story. And I am going to keep fighting. I just felt like sharing this I know it’s a lot but I know many of us struggle with addiction but it only will make things worse. Just self acceptance is what we need to do and that definitely worked for me. Sheikh