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Beloved yf thinks I'm a perve now 😭

Posted by Foareyez on 2020-July-4 09:38:01, Saturday

One of the fun things my yf and I used to do together back when he was 9 was I would listen to him read books. I was a bookworm as a child and I just really love it when my yfs read, especially when they read to me.

So when I saw (in my friends car) one of the titles my yf had started to read me, but it was a school book and he had to give it back before we could hear the story. I was really intrigued by the story because it was about these unicorns who fart and burp and stink and barf. Gross nasty creatures and no one liked them. That was the first page and then the book was gone and for months I been curious about that story, so I borrowed it.

Then when I saw him again on fortnite I said "dude! I found that book!" and I started gushing over it because it reminded me of those early days in our relationship when I was just pinching myself wondering if this is a dream. Just you imagine not talking to any kids for years and then finding a safe way to befriend kids and actually finding a serious yf, it just makes me so happy to think of those days.

"Why did you like that so much," he asked. "Just because you liked hearing my voice?"

I enthusiastically admitted that's part of it, meaning I love having a connection to him, spending time with him, seeing him grow as a person through the healthy act of reading. "Yes, I love you so much and that was when I was getting to know you," I said.

But he didn't take it well. "If you just like hearing my voice then you got a problem," he said seriously.

Oof. It was like a shame lightning bolt outta nowhere. "Oh," I said softly and just sat there quietly, trying to comprehend what he meant by that. It felt like he was saying grown ups who get off by having normal conversations with lil boys have an emotional problem. Which, he has a point I guess. I am weird.

But I didn't beat off to him reading. I don't love it because it triggered me sexually, but rather because it made my heart feel connected to his. How could he say this? After we have been through these past few months? I thought he liked that I like him??? Visions of my other yf coming back from his mom's house, announcing he isn't gay all of a sudden and doesn't like men.

I try to remind myself, boys go back and forth on things, just like everyone. Sometimes having a grown up manfriend seems awesome but other times maybe it sounds like trouble. Like why be gay when its so much more accepted to be straight, especially when he started going with a girl he was all of a sudden almost homophobic (he went back to being homophilic right after that tho).

I thought about it for a couple of days. Why would someone like it when I'm attracted to him in some ways, but be upset to think I'm attracted to his voice? Maybe he feels molested over it. I mean imagine if an adult friend of mine asked me to read to them, and said they liked hearing it a lot, but then I realized they are just watching my lips and hanging on the sound of my voice because they are sexually attracted. Honestly I wouldn't welcome that from an adult either.

And then last night we was talking while I was washing dishes and cooking and he asked me if I read that book. I did not even crack it open yet, so I dried my hands off and read the title page and described the pictures and read the first page.

He was so excited! "I remember reading that so clearly!," he said and he described the pictures of the three unicorns barfing rainbows. He was so happy to hear a bit of that story, because he hasn't had a physical book to read since school got cancelled.

"I'm glad you are enjoying hearing me read this," I said. "Hope that doesn't mean you've got a problem."

"What do you mean a problem?" he asked

So I reminded him that he said if I like his voice I have a problem, but he said he doesn't remember saying that and has no idea what he might have meant by it.

Guess I felt like shit over a misunderstanding. I'm glad that I had my previous experience with my other young friend suddenly turning sour on our relationship, then turning back sweet again a few days later (then sour again, then sweet again...). I have learned not to have black&white all or nothing thinking. I'm glad I didn't do anything drastic, like throw the book away.

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