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When I was growing up homosexuality was still illegal. It was called sodomy, a name which comes from a group of gay people the Lord smited. People around here used to talk about the Lord smiteing people with lightening. Some people around here still believe that the Lord can and will zap you from the sky with lightning if you outright disobey him. I used to hear about the Lord smiting people a lot more often when I was a kid than how people talk today. Have you ever looked into the sky with fear thinking maybe the Lord will strike you down if you DARE to even question his absolute domination and authority over your own carnal body? I have. It took growing up and developing in my mind before I could despell these thoughts. Have you ever said out loud, in the privacy of your own building, something against what God wants? Like if you violate God on purpose that means you are choosing to burn in hell, maybe starting right this instant, so are you sure you could say blasphemy and risk your eternal soul? Its confusing as hell because that stuff comes from old Jewish thought, which the people around here still respect the roots of Christianity. In a nutshell my concept of Jewish path to salvation is they obey God and follow his path righteously. In Christianity the idea is supposed to be that Gods chosen people are connected to God through Christ, the messiah, because the old deal of having to earn salvation was over and the new deal is just say "I'm with Him," and its as if you never commited one sin. It's hard to talk about this today as I pull these old memories out they are like old vines, wrapped up and entangled with roots of what eventually became my grown up thoughts. It was such a struggle to go through to bend everything in sciences and sociology through the lense of Christianity, it's freeing to realize now that religions vary all over the world people are just fine authentic good citizens even if they aren't on the team. There is no team to be on as far as the gold paved streets in paradise land. Theres just crazy animals that have no idea what it means to be a monkey growing up in a monkey jungle, born with brains that are pretty much open operating systems, ready to enthusiastically believe anything you tell them. So you can't blame an individual for believing what hes fed and progrsmmed to believe as a child, because we can't help how we was raised. Religion is a handy tool to shape the behaviour of people and it has a natural place in a persons life At the end of the day we all have an animal within us that has to be nourished and maintained in every way, just like a pet. That is how I now envision God, like how the love I felt for a dog I had. She was the most decent kind forgiving understanding dog you ever saw. She used to be really scared and wary when I got her, but I let her walk around in the yard all day if she wants, or come in, just scratch the door either way. Usually she liked to be with me. We used to walk all over town with me. It took her years of many interactions with other people and animals to sort herself out. Her rule was don't jump on her or she will bite you, but if you will keep all four feet on the ground she won't growl. It scared me to see her snarl and bite a few rambunctious puppies, but god damn puppies got to learn not to be jumping up on old dogs with painful hips. She went through a phase where she was kind of grouchy about that, but she was more chill after she got older and got more practiced at communication. Also we got her some chews that she loved to eat the little chewy snacks that made her joints feel a lot better. Or maybe it was all the walks we took that built her strengths up. I nursed that dog back from being a wretched used up starving abused scared victim who act like she had never known a hand of kindness, to being my trusted and trusting companion. She knew how to walk around with me and when I went to someones house she came with me like a seeing eye dog. I used to tell her to lay on my coat and I could kind of park her in the corner. I brought her to visit my family who lived in assisted living apartments and she had different people she liked to visit. She brought peace and gentle kindness wherever she walked. I had a lot of free time back then when I was poor. We were two wretched bitches when we met and we got plumped up together. We walked so many miles around the big city together. Its a privilege living in the city where you can afford to be wretched, walking everywhere, taking your dog everywhere. This was back when I was just used to the police shaking me down at random times, walking into my house once a quarter or so, just to let me know that they were watching me. Intense parole is kind of like Christianity, it tries to strike the feara God into you. Tries to train you to expect to have your papers dug through at any time. Your computer scanned for illegal activity such as porn or accessing social media. After years in the system I was used to that kind of indignities. Humiliating degradation feels normal after years of humiliating degradation. The gentle kind love I shared with my dog verses the hostile strict twisted heavy handed paternalistic "love" I got from the state represent the two sides of God to me. Dualism. The power of love vs. other type of "higher power." Spiritual connection verses reactions carried out in the physical realm. I provided for her and nourished her every need as best I could. When she got a disease I supported her through years of painful condition that sometimes got better and other times it was heartbreaking to see her suffer like that. Guess her telometers frayed down too far and she wasn't able to bounce back. I was so sad to see that dog pass away because she was like a daughter to me. We were both mean bitches after what we been though then we both mellowed out through meeting and chilling with nice people and just taking the time to heal and then she did so good in life. She would have wagged her tail when she was in the gutter to know that she would spend her elderly years back out in the country, surrounded by people and dogs who love and support her. Ok, resuming writing this in the morning (I woke up with this unfinished on my screen). I'm drinking coffee thinking what does this have to do with homosexuality being illegal? Oh yeah, I was trying to explain how people in conservative culture think different. When I was a kid there were no openly gay people anywhere around us. Gay sex and even masturbating was seen as #1 sinful before The Lord and #2 illegal in the law. There was a tradition around here of kids obeying their family traditions, and if you cross your family by dating the wrong type of person you would be excluded from the family. Like even my beloved dear great grandmother, such a loving person in many ways, said she wouldn't let us in the house if I ever showed up with a black girlfriend I would not be allowed under her roof. Conformity to the family and culture rules was an absolute requirement to participate in family life. Everything seemed firm and simple when I was a young kid. Then as I grew up I started getting sexual with other males, but it did not feel like being homosexual. To be gay was to be a bad guy. A criminal. A reject. We were just straight friends who make each other feel good. I liked making other boys feel good. I liked seeing boners pop up. To my young mind a boner was like a big thumbs up telling me that he likes me. It was really hard for me to see this as being the same as criminal sodomy. I felt like a law abiding good citizen who happens to fool around with boys. It's not the same as being a godless homosexual with no respect for Jesus. So this was a long time ago, and the culture had changed a lot around here, but there are still many people who consider homosexuality to be illegal and absolutely intolerable, yet they still do it at times. I've met a lot of guys like this through different therapy groups and church study groups over the years. I searched for a new church (after being disfellowshipped due to being a rso), and spent time with a few different churches, got threatened by two churches if I step foot on the property the law will be called, because if there is a certified daycare or school of any type on the property, sex offenders aren't allowed to enter without written approval from the school counselor, signed off by the police. No papers and thats a felony sex offense punishable by a few more years in prison and maybe this time it will be lifetime parole for a "repeat offender." Funnily enough it was two liberal churches that threatened me, the more conservative churches had a sinners welcome policy. That is where I met gay people struggling with their life path, thinking they are just straight people who are attracted to gay sex. Oof, its a tough society we live in, bless their hearts. I have probably done a terrible job of explaining how a culture can outlaw homosexuality and the citizens think its an ok and just law. It's a big twist of reality, but somehow we do it all the time in the USA. |