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Basically, I have been working through past trauma and coming to terms with addiction issues and mental health problems. The antidepressants have decreased my libido to zero. But considering how I used to be a whiny cunt, I will accept that. I know I want to be there for those I care about, and that I do not want to do any harm. And boys are very beautiful. But I think I want to be on equal terms in my friendships. Unless I can shape shift unto a 12yo, I think that is impossible for me to have that with a boy. Besides, I really would not know how to treat a boy. The only examples I had with the adults in my life is how to not treat a boy. Hormones are one thing. But I would rather not gamble with a young person's well being for any reason, least of all hormones. Being in a state of prescription-induced asexuality is making this easier to deal with for now. The reality is that now I feel like I just want to be one of the guys. And perhaps putting sexuality away for a while is not such a bad thing. The stuff I am dealing with is complicated enough without getting hard one over fantasies that are not based in reality. In my BL fantasies, I actually imagine myself as a boy amongst boys. Trying to play that out is nothing but a recipe for disaster, and I wish to do no harm. I guess this explains why I still watch Cartoon Network religiously. And why I get a kick out of playing video games aimed at younger children. I do not just want to love a boy. I want to be a boy. And I want to have boyhood experiences without narcissistic parents getting in my way. The desires of humans were never known to be all that rational. Now I have to figure out how to come to terms with the hand I was dealt, and do what I can to play it to my advantage. Um.... Yeah. I do not know what to add to this. |