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I have not had a drink in almost six years, but Mary Jane is legal where I am, so I hope that explains this post. I have spent so much time in my life seeking external validation. To the point where I became a complete asshole looking for it. Meh, I am making this post here, so I might still be in that stage now. I grew up in a family where absolute obedience was demanded of all minors. I used to think that was normal. I used to desire that kind of power over a minor. But here I am, still thinking that boys are the sexiest thing God has created, yet having no desire to act upon that desire. I was a victim of narcissistic sexual abuse. I do not desire to put another human through that. So here I am. I love boys. But I wish to not fuck up their futures. I particularly love nerdy and geeky boys because that is what I was when I was a boy. The fact is I still have this attraction, and I do not know what I really want. I can safely say that I am not the angry man I was a few years ago. But I am in a place where I realize that I have been through so much emotional and physical abuse that I have not a single clue what I want today. Why am I posting this here? 420 is legal where I am, and this forum was the first place in my life where I found unconditional acceptance at the time. I do not know who I am. I was raised to believe that the entire world was a China shop, and I was a bull. I know what I am attracted to, but I also know very well the damage of abuse. And I wish that upon no boy. I do not know what I want. Yeah, that is all I have to say here. |