Re: See that is what terrorizes me....

... I would think, especially after all the time that's passed, your YF has already judged you... and you just don't know for sure what his judgement is. I understand the torment of uncertainty... and the desire to know (to relieve it), and the willingness to let the boy be judge (to end it). As for myself, I just wanted to know one thing: Do they hate me now? ...because if they do, then, okay, I totally fucked up... because, of course, I never wanted them to hate me. In my 30+ year ago case there was more than one boy, but out of them all there was one boy I was especially wanting needing to be judged by... my FBE... because he was the one boy who, in evaluating his experiences, could compare me to another, older man (50) that I learned he'd been sexually involved with back at that time. Then, about 10 years ago, back when I first started posting at BC, I got my answer when, while researching info to post here, I discovered my FBE had been sent to prison for a drug possession offense, and I took a chance at sending him a letter. Part of me was desperate to know... and I was willing to accept his judgement, whatever it may have turned out to be. I'm glad I didn't chicken out. We exchanged letters weekly until his release, and I ended up seeing him again for the first time in 20+ years. Early on, when he thanked me for writing him and coming back into his life, I told him I had reservations about writing to him... and I explained that it was in part because I was afraid he might hate me due things that had happened in the past. He asked, "Why would I hate you?" He said it wasn't like I was a child molester, that I wasn't manipulating him or anything like that. Instead, he called me a Boylover, and yes, that was both a shock and a pleasant surprise.... especially since "Boylover" had never been a term used in any of our previous conversations... ever. Where did he learn this word? But, still, no, he doesn't want his family... especially his mother... to know his opinion or continued friendship with me. So, even today, 30+ years later, we are still having to keep things "under wraps". That's okay with me. I understand. I am grateful to have what I have as it is, and I accept his "Boylover" blessing even though I'm still not sure I deserve it (the lingering effects of S.O. treatment programs?). *shrugs* ...I guess I do... he isn't the only ex-YF who's come back into my life since the shit hit the fan. Yep, boys should be free to construe, and honestly express, their perceptions of their own experiences... without fear of rejection, etc. Thanks for posting. PS: Heh... I didn't know the cabinet maker was your friend, too ;-)