See that is what terrorizes me....

...about my YF from days gone by, I feel so willing to stand or fall on what we did and how we felt, I think we were as honest with one another as we could have been under the circumstances, I know he has reached a point of acceptance about his homosexuality (I have seen his FB), I know he had ample opportunity to turn on me when the shit hit the fan 30 years ago and he didn't, but of course what I don't know is what he would really say if somehow he could even be honest about it. And I really want to accept his judgement, whatever it might be, because god knows I was totally unsure that what we were doing was a good thing for us to do and it did not end terribly well for me (though it could have been much worse and I honestly believe I have no regrets). But is he free to be honest? As you point out, probably not. This boy (I have mentioned this before, it continues to haunt me) was told by the cops that boys like him (victims, as they implied he was, though he resolutely declined to embrace that role) often commit suicide. So, you know, if he ever needed to talk about this incredible burden.... On the other hand I firmly believe in his right to decide, for himself, how to construe those events. And ultimately I feel bound by that construal, whatever it is (on a practical level I feel sure contact from me at this point would not be useful to either of us, so I will never be sure). My friend the cabinet maker, whom I no longer see here, used to regularly tell me I was a bad person. I have defenses, I think, but also doubts. If this boy truly believes I hurt him (even, perhaps, turned him gay against his will, strongly as I believe that is impossible and that he was a total fag from the day I met him at age 12 and yes he did tell me the boys he was crushing on!), then I think we should not have done what we did, that I as the older and supposedly wiser (though another YF claimed I thought with my dick in those days, and he was right!) partner should not have allowed the regret he now feels (if he does feel regret) to have become even possible. Of course what I really want is that, retroactively, he should give me a severe spanking for my naughtiness. He got fairly uninhibited at some points, but not that uninhibited. Is it possible he would now be open, despite our strictures on what is now "allowed," to imagining how that might have been fun? I don't know. I don't know him anymore. He lit up my life for four years. He had it in his power to get me locked up for decades, had he wanted to. (It would have cost him quite a lot, he would have been publicly stigmatized as my sexual partner -- happened anyway to some extent, he wound up moving back to Texas away from the scandal -- if he didn't want to go through that it doesn't mean he felt any love for me.) He declined the role of victim then. Now, as MB, says, accepting that role is much more aggressively enforced. I swear to God, if he thinks today I am a horrible person who selfishly harmed him, then I agree that is what I am. Stand or fall. WTF. Nothing has ever meant to me what he meant to me. I did the best I could. hugzu ;-p