I had two dreams early this morning, long before sunrise. You were in both of them. You were still a little boy- exactly the same age you were when I last saw you. It was so nice to see you again. I needed to see you. I didn't realize just how much until I awoke. We were at a summer camp together in the first dream. You and I were the same age. You were even taller than I, just like you are now that you're grown. We were with a group of other boys. We were all in bathing suits and getting ready to go swimming. I caught sight of you. You were bare chested and entirely gorgeous. I turned away when you saw me, mostly because I was afraid you'd be angry at me for looking at you too long. But that feeling passed. I got the impression that we ended up having fun together, though the rest of the dream became blurry and disconnected. You and I were together in a gorgeous beach high-rise in the second dream, and my family was also there. All of us had rented the place for a vacation. I had my phone, and I was taking pictures of the view from our high balcony. It was beautiful- white sand, a sky that went on forever, and lots of people enjoying themselves. I turned to see you in the kitchen. You were in the process of feeding your cat, and she was winding around your ankles mewing. I asked my mom if we could rent the condominium for one more day because I did not want to leave. She agreed. So much different from the ugly reality of things as they are now. I woke up still bleeding. It's cold. There is no summer camp. There is no beach vacation. There is no family. Everything is horrible and ugly, and there is no you. {What have we become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end You can have it all- my empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt} -Trent Reznor, “Hurt” |